September 14, 2016

A before and after I have never shared before

It’s crazy to think back to a time in my life where I wasn’t the person I am today. The girl on the left, although smiley and happy, really wasn’t. She was going through a sort of transformation on the inside. She was like a caterpillar, crawling up inside her cocoon waiting to become a beautiful butterfly and be able to fly.

Image may contain: 2 people , people smiling , text I haven’t ever shared this with anyone. This isn’t easy. But I want to get it out. Okay….here goes nothing! 

I was really, really good at playing my roles, doing what I should do, making others happy and doing a lot, I mean a lot, of pretending and fake smiling. Inside I was a complete mess. A few years ago, well 9 years ago to be exact, Something happened in my life that turned everything I thought I knew upside down. It threw me in a tailspin. I had to figure out a ton of things and in a hurry. I realized that my life was one big, huge, gigantic mess and I had helped to make it that way. Nothing was as it seemed and what I portrayed it to be. I was not the person I was pretending to be and it was killing me inside. I had played it well for quite a few years until it came crashing down one sunny, Sunday afternoon in late September. I had to grow up and become a big girl and fast. It wasn’t easy. It took time and massive, massive internal work. In fact, I’m still working on it. Aren’t we all though? Aren’t we always working on ourselves? If you're not you should be. 

I look back now at that girl in the before picture and am no longer sad for her. I used to be really sad for her. But what I know now, many years later is that it was all an absolute blessing. It woke me up!! It made me change. If it had not happened I honestly don’t know who I’d be. I would not be this person right here that you all know and love today. 

I was always on a voyage to find that one thing….have that major “aha” moment that would change my life. I searched it out in books, blogs, lectures, quotes, etc. I never had that “aha” moment occur until it crashed in on me. That was my “aha” moment. Not a good “aha” moment that I always wanted it to be, but it was a wake up call! BUT…..had I not had been searching for it, I would not have had the tools that I learned along the way through those books, blogs, lectures and quotes to deal with it and know exactly what was happening and how I needed to handle it and exactly what I needed to do. I truly believe that my journey to find myself, find the true me, happened in that exact, divine order. As hard as it was to go through…. I can now look back and be thankful for it. It was my Blesson! (Blessing and Lesson) PS – Okay I know this all sounds cryptic and I hate that too. Why doesn’t she just come out with it already? What happened? I get you, but I won’t be telling you. Only a couple of people in my life know about this. I don’t talk about “it” to anyone ever. Maybe one day….but I don’t need to. It’s just about the lessons learned from here on out.

I knew everything I needed to know. I had it all in me all the time. I had to be pushed off the edge in order to take those lessons and actually change and live that life I had always wanted and be that person I had always wanted to be! I could see her….I was just afraid. It took a major event to make me see her. I now only have moments of insecurity, no self-esteem, no confidence, no belief in myself. Those moments used to take over my entire day, my entire being. Now when those thoughts pop up I acknowledge them, counteract the thought with a better one and kick it to the curb and move on with my day becoming stronger. 

Had all of this not have happened to me, in the exact, divine order that it did, I would not have been ready to accept the opportunity or even have the guts to join my first challenge group. But I now believed in myself and that I could handle anything. I was so much stronger on the inside that I wanted to be stronger on the outside too. Beachbody gave me something to fight for….me! It helped me come out of my shell, and gave me a focus. It helped me to continue to focus on me. It gave me a new tribe of amazing, like-minded people on the same path. It gave me amazing friends that I would have never, ever met that I can’t even imagine not being in my life today. It gave me so much happiness helping others change their life on their journey with me. It gave me even more personal development to continue to help me grow and learn more and more about myself. It’s helped me to become a leader of a whole team of coaches. I absolutely fell in love with fitness and now it’s just a part of me. It keeps me sane and helps me feel so strong on the inside and outside. I became a fitness instructor! What the? I never would have dreamed that would ever happen in my life. This huge introvert that hated working out, would be able stand in front of a class of people staring back at her to teach them Insanity!! Insanity of all workouts too? Crazy town…..

I am a very happy, positive, loving woman who loves being a wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend. I feel like I’m even better at all these roles too! That’s not to say I never have a bad day or don’t do anything wrong or make massive mistakes! Are you kidding me? I certainly do, and I make many of them. However, I now have tools to turn it around. I know that they are just thoughts and I can change it. I know it’s just a moment, just a day and it will get better. There’s always a lesson and everything, I mean everything (the good, the bad and the ugly), happens for a reason. There’s always something to learn. I try to not stay there in those bad moments or days. I let them happen and just move on. Yes, I could do better too. It’s not always perfect sunshine, rainbows and unicorns around me. I have my Grumpy Gus days that are harder to snap out of than others. But no one is perfect, I’m certainly not. But what’s great is that there are no more fake smiles or pretending. It’s all fo reals! :) I accept my life as it is…no more wishing for something different. If I want something different it’s up to me to create it! I make it happen! I am intentionally creating the life I want, I live as the person I want to become and I’m so freaking, unbelievably happy in my life. 

All of this rambling from a picture I came across today. Wow!! Transformations are not just physical. I am so proud of myself that I just had to share a little piece of me with you. I love me and the me I continue to become. I am now the butterfly, enjoying my amazing life with my beautiful and loving husband, daughters, family and my amazing family of friends. Grateful and thankful!!! #ahappyfitlife #blessons